Amanda at the Declassified Adoptee, a popular adoption blog, wrote a terrific post called “5 Things Every Adoptee Needs To Hear From Absolutely Everyone.”
Each adoptee will have a different experience with adoption and a unique story. People often want to know how they can be sensitive to someone’s story, particularly when it’s something that is unfamiliar to their own experience.
Amanda’s post addresses how those who are not adoptees can ally with adoptees.
Amanda’s 5-things include:
- “I will give honor to your story”
- “I will embrace those whom you embrace”
- “I will ask about and listen to your story when it helps you”
- “I will validate your feelings”
- “I will advocate for you”
My personal favorite is the first one, “I will give honor to your story.” Every person has their own story and regardless of whether you personally understand what the person’s life has been or not, those experiences do shape who that person is. Amanda writes,
I realize that if I am not adopted or have a different adoption experience, I cannot force your experience through my lens. I cannot demand that you adapt your story to my comfort level. Your story, the conclusions that you draw from it, and what it means to you are yours. I don’t have to agree with your opinions to honor and respect the story behind it. I will let you lead when you tell your story rather than interjecting assertions and making assumptions that leave you wary of saying another sentence. I will use the terms and language that you use for your story when I ask you questions about what you’ve told me. I will deal with the emotions that your story made me feel before I respond to you.
Of course, this is good social work practice in general – how often do we try to encourage someone else to interpret their experiences in ways that make us feel more comfortable? Amanda’s challenge to deal with our own emotions that another person’s story brings up for us before responding is an important reminder.
Check out Amanda’s post and her terrific blog, Declassified Adoptee.