By Jane F. Gilgun and Samantha Hirschey, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA

Young people who have experienced abuse and neglect often feel worthless, unlovable, and unworthy of respect. Professionals often tell them, “It’s not your fault.” This might provide temporary relief, but the negative beliefs are deeply embedded. They don’t go away without the help of adults who provide safe havens where young people can grapple with the meanings the maltreatment has for them.

Safe havens are settings where young people can experience themselves as loveable and worthy of love and respect. Through these experiences, they develop self-compassion and compassion for others. In our experience, adults often ignore young people’s sense of worthlessness. They may not know how to deal with it, or they may not realize how a sense of worthlessness affects young people.

Worthlessness

Persons who have experienced abuse and neglect often believe something about themselves caused the maltreatment. They may conclude that they are worthless, unlovable, and unworthy of respect and become reactive to perceived slights. In response, many become aggressive physically, verbally, or sexually. Aggression gives temporary relief and temporary restoration of their sense of worth and pride. Some withdraw and isolate to avoid further hurt. Others become self-destructive, seeking to soothe their hurt through cutting, sniffing solvents, and using drugs and alcohol.

When young people feel safe and respected, their behaviors are prosocial and cooperative. Any work with young people, therefore, requires that adults build relationships of trust with them. The best scenario is when the social setting, such as schools and families, are circles of trust and safe havens where young people can work on the issues connected to their aggression.

Self-Compassion

Persons who have histories of secure attachments, beginning in infancy with their parents and others and continuing over the life course have naturally occurring self-compassion. Self-compassion is positive regard for the self as worthy of respect and love during good times and times of challenge.

Persons who have self-compassion accept themselves as imperfect, view their experiences as part of the human condition, and allow themselves to experience painful thoughts and feelings, knowing that emotions have a natural flow when persons allow themselves to experience them. They do not ruminate or behave destructively but engage in processes that lead to a working through of painful emotions. They hold themselves accountable for any hurt they cause and seek to repair damage to relationship with others. Self-compassion begins when young people experience compassion from others.

If persons have self-compassion, they have compassion for others. Compassion is associated with loving kindness, which they extend toward their own imperfections and failures and those of others. Their compassion for others and themselves flows from an inner sense of dignity and self-worth.

Research shows that low self-compassion is associated with harsh experiences, usually in childhood and sometimes later in life, and the absence of relationships with others that provide safe havens where individuals can work through the effects of these experiences. Child abuse and neglect, rape, separations and losses, and other adverse and traumatic events are examples of harsh experiences. Girls with child protection involvement have lower self-compassion than girls who are not under the care of child protection. Research shows that they are more likely to engage in aggressive behaviors and to be targets of aggression than girls without child protection involvement. Research shows self-compassion can be increased through positive life experiences based on relationships of trust.

Self-Compassion and Trusting Relationships

When young people participate in interventions based on relationships of trust, they may develop self-compassion. Supportive, respectful, and structured social settings help persons develop and maintain self-compassion and compassion for others.

Because of the importance of supportive social settings, child protection workers who are effective in school settings not only advocate for relationship-based interventions but they also work to bring about systems changes.

Summary

In summary, the goals of work with young people with aggressive behaviors are to stop the aggression and foster prosocial behaviors through building relationships of trust. Through circles of trust, young people develop compassion for self and others. These principles underlie effective interventions. Such interventions are difficult to develop and implement in many schools and other settings. Today’s blog lays out the best case scenario, the ideal outcome. We know that in real-world situations, these principles are part of a vision and may not be difficult to achieve.

Questions To Consider

Please feel free to leave a comment on today’s blog. As you think about the blog, we wonder what you think of some of the ideas that we presented. What, for example, do you think we left out? Was there anything in this blog that helped you think more deeply about your cases? We hope you consider the following questions.

  • What kinds of behaviors do you see in your caseload that indicate that service users feel unloved, unlovable, disrespected, and worthless?
  • How do you deal with the times you feel unloved, unlovable, disrespected, and worthless?
  • Do you think self-compassion is an issue for young people and their families who are in your caseload? Why or why not?
  • Think of times when you have had self-compassion. What is self-compassion like for you?

Next Blog

In the next blog, we provide an overview of girls’ aggression.

About the Authors

Jane F. Gilgun, Ph.D., LICSW, is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. She was a child welfare social worker for more than eight years and has taught courses and done qualitative research on high-risk children and families for many years. A special focus of her research is factors associated with good outcomes when children have experienced complex trauma. Professor Gilgun’s articles, books, and practice manuals are widely available on the internet. Many of them are free.

Samantha Hirschey is a second year master’s student at the School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, USA, and Professor Gilgun’s research assistant. She did her first year internship at the St. Paul Public Schools and her second internship will be at the Community-University Health Care Center that provides mental health services to residents of the inner city of Minneapolis. She has worked in a variety of social service agencies including with children, teens, and adults with mental illnesses and developmental disabilities. She has a special interest in the promotion of integrated behavioral health in children and families.

References

Gilgun, Jane F. (2006). Children and adolescents with problematic sexual behaviors: Lessons from research on resilience. In Robert Longo & Dave Prescott (Eds.), Current perspectives on working with sexually aggressive youth and youth with sexual behavior problems (pp. 383-394). Holyoke, MA: Neari Press.

Gilgun, Jane F., & Laura S. Abrams (2005). Gendered adaptations, resilience, and the perpetration of violence. In Michael Ungar (Ed.), Handbook for working with children and Youth: Pathways to resilience across cultures and context (pp. 57-70). Toronto: University of Toronto Press.

Gilgun, Jane F., Danette Jones, & Kay Rice. (2005). Emotional expressiveness as an indicator of progress in treatment. In Martin C. Calder (Ed.), Emerging approaches to work with children and young people who sexually abuse (pp. 231-244). Dorset, England: Russell House.

Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). Children with serious conduct issues: A case study, a NEATS assessment, and case planning. Amazon Kindle.

Neff, K.D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85–102.

Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K. L., & Rude, S. S. (2007). Self-compassion and adaptive psychological functioning. Journal of Research in Personality, 41, 139–154.

Neff, K. D. & McGehee, P. (2010). Self-compassion and psychological resilience among adolescents and young adults. Self and Identify, 9(3), 225–240.

Perepletchikova, F. & Kaufman, J. (2010, October). Emotional and behavioral sequelae of childhood maltreatment. Current Opinion in Pediatrics, 22(5), 610–615.

Promoting Safe, Stable and Nurturing Relationships: A Strategic Direction for Child Maltreatment Prevention Us Centers for Disease Control and Prevention website:http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/pdf/CM_Strategic_Direction–OnePager-a.pdf.

Tanakaa, Masako, Christine Wekerle, Mary Lou Schmuck, Angela Paglia-Boak, & the MAP research team (2011). The linkages among childhood maltreatment, adolescent mental health, and self-compassion in child welfare adolescents. Child Abuse & Neglect (35), 887– 898.

Thompson, Brian L. & Jennifer Waltz (2008). Self-compassion and PTSD symptom severity. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 21(6), 556–558.