Today’s guest blogger is Emily Shea.
Juli Fraga writes of her experience being adopted and now being a biological mother in her article in The New York Times, “Adopted as a Child, Now a Mother, Finally ‘Lucky’ (February 15, 2015).” She speaks of the incredible relief and joy she feels as, for the first time in her life, she is told that she and her daughter look alike just moments after her birth. Growing up as a transracial adoptee, she has vivid memories of knowing she was different, hearing this from her family or strangers, and facing her own questions of her origins from both biological family and Korea. She was left with only a piece of paper, photo, and an identifying number to tell her “story” of birth. She speaks to how limiting this is and how, throughout her entire life, she sought to fill in the blanks about her and her mother’s experience at birth.
Unfortunately, Juli’s story of loss and inability to grieve is not unique, but is instead shared with many adoptees. I think Juli dispels two common myths about adoption: that adopted children are “lucky” to have been adopted and that adopted children do not remember enough to feel the loss of their biological family when adopted at a young age. These two myths greatly impact one another as adoptees may feel guilt or ungrateful when they long to know more about their biological families (Silverstein and Roszia, 1998). To say they are lucky to have been adopted discredits their biological roots in many ways and can serve as another barrier to admitting grief or loss of these biological and cultural ties. Juli makes it clear that these two myths are not her reality. Her words are powerful because they are based on her lived experience of being an adoptee. However, this is just one story of many that adoptees have and it is also not fair to generalize this to all adoptees’ individual experience.
Juli’s ends her article with an incredibly powerful message to adoptees and biological families alike: “And now that I have become a mother, I do feel lucky. And I know that when people tell my daughter she is ‘lucky’ to have a mom like me, it will be because I’m adept at sorting through feelings, putting together awesome tea parties, and writing silly songs on a whim. It’s not because I ‘saved’ her from an unfamiliar birth family. It’s just because I love her, and I treasure that more than anyone could know.”
References
Silverstein, D.N. & Roszia, S. (1998). Adoptees and the seven core issues of adoption.
Retrieved online at http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/html/lifelong_issues_in_adoption.